Breaking into pieces
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: I can't say it.


Please accept my apologies if tonight I don't smile

Please accept my apologies if tonight I don't smile. If I sit down on the floor and cry. Quietly, I want to be alone. Something doesn't feel right. I need to stop, at least for once, and look around me. Stare blankly at my life and how I ruined it. How I failed and let my dreams crash in the nothingness of my mind. That must be why I feel empty and so sad. Don't try to comfort me, I'm too cold for that. The hours are going to pass, slowly, and when the sun shines in the sky, brightly, I may have forgotten everything. If I'm lucky.

I was born in Chicago on a rainy night. A fog had wrapped the streets and the wind was icy. I chose that gloomy day to come into this world. It may explain the darkness of my thoughts and the loneliness of my soul. Or it's only a pure coincidence like the bitterness lighting up my eyes. Don't take me in your arms, as much as I need them. Let my selfishness prove you that I don't care. Like every single day, the mere word I can say. I'm not good at feelings, I always feel too weak whenever I have to deal with their consequences. They scare me. I'm just weak.

I never felt at home, anywhere. From the creepy room of a motel lost in the middle of Arizona to the luxurious suite of a palace. I can't help but shiver, disgusted, against the coldness of the sheets and the anonimity of the place. I forgot who I was a very long time ago. Going from town to town I gave up my hopes and let a destructive despair take possession of my thoughts. Year after year, tear after tear, I accepted my defeat and just smiled, weakly. I wish I could bury all those dreadful memories and see how my existence has some meaning. You told that one day, that we were all needed. But I'm still looking for the person who wants to be with me.

My father died without I realized it. Perhaps I was too young to understand what was happening. I just woke up one morning and found myself missing him. And then I knew that he would never come back to me. He didn't say good-bye, didn't kiss me. Nothing. I cherish the dream that his little daughter's love can reach him, wherever he is, whatever he thinks about me, about what I did. I don't want to disappoint him but the whirl of my anger blinded my heart and killed the sincerety of my smiles. It's when everything started, the whole process of self-destruction and the loss of my identity. How I hate it.

She never looked for me. I slammed the door and vanished as I was turning sixteen, and that's all. She drew a line under me, it's so easy, so mean. If only she knew how many nights I spent thinking about her. How she broke my heart and made me plunge into this whirl of lies. I won't have any child, there's no reason that I make suffer an innocent soul. Because it's exactly what she taught me. How to keep on smiling while I'm breaking into pieces. It's a sharp feeling, awful and addicting. The alcohol warms up my heart, then, and I almost feel fine. I put all these nightmares aside and try to catch the brigthness of my life. But still, the worst of all is it doesn't change the slight thing and as much as she hurt me, I love her. Hatefully.

I don't understand why you stayed with me. Is it sympathy or a vague wave of sincerety? I hate all that money, the hypocrisy and the loneliness of my tears. It's not very hard to pretend that I'm happy, I do that constantly. However tonight I need to breathe and let the weight of my remorses leave my body. Don't be worried, I will overcome it, I always do, honey. There's a silent agreement between the four of us, the uniqueness of our friendship. I can rely on you and it's all what I need actually. It's just too delicate so that I ask for it. Look, the stars are crying. Their tears brushing softly the coldness of our world, the darkness of its features. And all of sudden, everything is glimmering under the pale moonlight mourning a past life.

He cheated on me and stole my dreams. I should have known that a wedding ring is ephemeral, almost utopic. I feel ashamed and cold but the warmest bath couldn't even rock me tenderly. I guess it's just over, I should leave. Or give up everything and put an end to my ridiculous whims. I want to forget and be forgotten. I want to rest in peace, alone, until I close my eyes in the non-sense of my life. I want to be sincere, for once, and say out loud how it's hard. Painful, long and sharp. I want to be myself without dreading the eventual sequels. The looks, the murmurs in my back. I want to be proud if you decide to take me in your arms. For the first time. But please, accept my apologies if I just turn around and cry. I want to taste the bitterness of my life.

Are you okay, Karen?

She looked at him blankly, feeling how the pain was weighing on her throat as the tears started to fall on her cheeks. She bit her lower lip and shook her head slowly, staring at the floor helplessly. But it would only be when she felt the warmness of his arms hold her tightly that she would stop pretending and break into pieces. Without smiling.

I hope one day I will find the courage to tell you all these things. And perhaps you will understand the reason why I cried in your arms, that evening. It's not about Stanley, not about my past. But my incapacity to confess my feelings and how your presence is important to me. I love you, Will. Please accept the fact I can't say it.


End file.
